Relationships

Couples Therapy DC Series: The Wary Relationship Style

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Wary Relationship Style

Your relationship style directly impacts the type of relationship that you seek, and the types of things you’ll do to create it with your partner.  Think of your style as a colored lens through which you view close relationships.  The shade of the lens influences how you view and emotionally reach to your romantic relationship. This style influences the way you seek closeness and connection with your partner, and ultimately determines what feels right and comfortable to you in a relationship.

Relationship researchers and couples therapy DC experts recognize that each of the four relationship styles is defined by typical psychological and behavioral patterns.

Have you taken your Relationship Styles Assessment yet? We recommend that you take the Assessment now and then read on about each of the Styles.

In this post, I’ll describe the Wary relationship style pattern.

In previous posts on the District Psychotherapy Associates blog, I described the Trusting style and Dr. Clemson wrote about the Brooding  and Independent styles.

Individuals who have a Wary relationship style often feel as though they could take or leave a close relationship. For them, it’s easy to see both the up side and down side of having a partner, and they are not always sure that it’s worth it. While the companionship of a relationship is appealing to some degree, the idea of having a co-dependent relationship with a partner is not particularly tempting.

In our couples counseling DC practice, we observe individuals who have the Wary style struggle to decide if they want to be close to someone.  They tend to go back and forth between wanting the relationship and then rejecting the possibility.  We frequently help sort out the confusion and uncertainty that results.

Some of this back and forth results from a tendency to carefully examine both partners for sources of current and future trouble in a relationship.   The Wary individual is so attuned to both himself and his partner that it can be frustrating and exceedingly difficult to know how to fix problems in relationship. Relationships will feel baffling to someone with this style because of how overwhelmingly complex they seem.

The Wary relationship style is a style of contrasts. If this is your relationship style, you’re likely hesitant to take relationships to the next level of intimacy.  It’s not that you don’t want a relationship, because at times you do keenly feel a tug for one.  In many ways this style is a mix of the Brooding and Independent styles.  Reading further about them will help you to understand how you stand somewhere between those two.

Understanding which of the four styles you have will help you understand why you tend to react in similar ways in different relationships, and sometimes even pick the same type of person again even when you know it won’t work.

We hope this series of posts on The Four Relationship Styles has been of help. Please contact us if you’d like to talk to someone about your own style or relationship.

Until next time,

Brad Brenner, Ph.D. Psychologist

Dr. Brad Brenner

Not sure about your own style?  Take our free self-assessment here.

Marriage Counseling DC Series: The Independent Relationship Style

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Independent Relationship Style 

Your relationship style directly impacts the type of relationship that you seek, and the types of things you’ll do to create it with your partner.  Think of your style as a colored lens through which you view close relationships.  The shade of the lens influences how you view and emotionally reach to your romantic relationship. This style influences the way you seek closeness and connection with your partner, and ultimately determines what feels right and comfortable to you in a relationship.

Relationship researchers and marriage counseling DC therapists recognize that each of the four relationship styles is defined by typical psychological and behavioral patterns.

Have you taken your Relationship Styles Assessment yet? We recommend that you take the Assessment now and then read on about each of the Styles.

In this post, I’ll describe the Independent relationship style pattern.

Dr Brenner described the Trusting and I wrote about the Brooding styles in two previous posts. The last of the four styles, Wary, will be described in the next posting on the District Psychotherapy Associates blog.

Individuals who have an Independent relationship style are most likely comfortable in relationships with a great deal of autonomy and independence. Their independent nature reflects an ability to look inward for comfort and reassurance during stressful moments in life. Their preference is to be self-sufficient and avoid dependence on others. They are uncomfortable having others dependent on them as well.

While they may see their independence as a source of pride, in relationships this may become problematic.   Typically, individuals with an independent relationship style do not seek much intimacy with their partners.

In our couples counseling DC practice we find that partners of Independent style individuals often construe that independent nature as aloof, distant, or emotionally unavailable.

When relationship difficulties arise, they may be more likely to withdraw from their partner and hide or suppress their feelings. In the worst of times, they may question the value of being in a relationship at all, feeling that it is not worth the effort.

The Independent relationship style may seem a bit unbalanced in the area of emotional expression. However, if this is your relationship style, your relatively low need for emotional support and reassurance may be refreshing to your partner. Your partners may perceive you as “low maintenance” in relationships and may appreciate what they see as your easy relationship style.

Understanding which of the four styles you have will help you understand why you tend to react in similar ways in different relationships, and sometimes even pick the same type of person again when you know it won’t work.

Until next time,

Dr. Keith Clemson

Not sure about your own style?  Take our free self-assessment here.

Couples Counseling DC Series: The Brooding Relationship Style

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Brooding Relationship Style 

Your relationship style directly impacts the type of relationship that you seek, and the types of things you’ll do to create it with your partner.  Think of your style as a colored lens through which you view close relationships.  The shade of the lens influences how you view and emotionally reach to your romantic relationship. This style influences the way you seek closeness and connection with your partner, and ultimately determines what feels right and comfortable to you in a relationship.

Relationship researchers and couples counseling therapists recognize that each of the four relationship styles is defined by typical psychological and behavioral patterns.

Have you taken your Relationship Styles Assessment yet? We recommend that you take the Assessment now and then read on about each of the Styles.

In this post, I’ll describe the Brooding relationship style pattern.

Dr. Brenner described the Trusting relationship style in a previous posting, and you can learn about the next two styles – Independent and Wary – in each of the next two postings on the District Psychotherapy Associates blog.

Individuals who have a Brooding style tend to desire a high level of emotional intimacy. They ideally seek out partners who are extraordinarily responsive to their relationship needs. They seek physical closeness with their partners and prefer to spend considerable amounts of time together rather than apart. They may well choose to have few social interactions with others outside their primary relationship.

In our couples counseling DC practice we find that partners who have a Brooding style will blame themselves when they are having difficulties and feeling disconnected in the relationship. They tend to personalize the problems and have trouble seeing them as shared.

They may attempt to regain a sense of togetherness or connection by seeking constant reassurance and approval from their partner.   Unable to view the problems as a temporary and inevitable part of a relationship, they may even act impulsively in an attempt to regain a sense of connection with their partner.

The Brooding relationship style is one of the more emotionally expressive of the 4 styles. If this is your way of relating in a relationship, you will probably find complimentary and satisfying relationships with similar types of individuals who can meet your level of expressiveness and readily reciprocate in a relationship.

Understanding which of the four styles you have will help you understand why you tend to react in similar ways in different relationships, and sometimes even pick the same type of person again and again, even when it hasn’t worked in the past.

Until next time,

Dr. Keith Clemson

Not sure about your own style? Take our free self-assessment here.

Couples Counseling DC Series: The Trusting Relationship Style

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Trusting Relationship Style 

“Your relationship style directly impacts the type of relationship that you seek, and the types of things you’ll do to create it with your partner.  Think of your style as a colored lens through which you view close relationships.  The shade of the lens influences how you view and emotionally reach to your romantic relationship. This style influences the way you seek closeness and connection with your partner, and ultimately determines what feels right and comfortable to you in a relationship.

Relationship researchers and couples counseling therapists recognize that each of the four relationship styles is defined by typical psychological and behavioral patterns.

Have you taken your Relationship Styles Assessment yet? We recommend that you take the Assessment now and then read on about each of the Styles.

In this post, I’ll describe the Trusting relationship style pattern.

You can learn about the three other styles – Brooding, Independent, and Wary -  in each of the next three postings on the District Psychotherapy Associates blog.

Individuals whose style is Trusting tend to be comfortable in a relationship that balances emotional closeness and independence. Think of a relationship as a see-saw with closeness on one end and independence on the other. If your style is Trusting, you’ll most likely seek balance by sitting right in the middle.


In our couples counseling DC practice we find that partners with a Trusting style see their relationships as their primary psychological and emotional touchstone.  That means that when they are upset they reach out to their partner for emotional closeness and trust that the partner will consistently be open and responsive.

Further, when they are having relationship difficulties, their approach is usually straightforward, expecting that problems will be solved and that their partner will be fair and compassionate.  They are comfortable expressing their emotions and needs, and can be flexible in negotiating solutions with their partner. They choose to not dwell on the problems for very long.

The Trusting relationship style is a balanced style and people with it exhibit confidence and faith in their partners. If this is your relationship style, you’ll feel comfortable with a partner who depends on you and expects that you’ll be responsive to their needs. You’ll also be adaptable to a partner who occasionally needs some amount of distance and time away.

Understanding which of the four styles you have will help you understand why you tend to react in similar ways in different relationships, and sometimes even pick the same type of person again even when it hasn’t worked in the past.

Until next time,

Brad Brenner, Ph.D. Psychologist

Dr. Brad Brenner

Not sure about your own style?  Take our free Relationship Styles self-assessment here.

Marriage Therapy DC Series: Do You Know Your Relationship Style?

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Relationships are the source of great and enduring love stories as well as unforgettable emotional disasters.   Sometimes in our quest for joy and clarity we find confusion and sadness instead. Marriage Therapy DC experts know that there’s nothing like being in a relationship to make you aware of all your hot button issues.

And if you think that YOU don’t have any buttons to press, wait until you’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner. Case in point: when trying to be reasonable and talk something out, how many times have you lost control and heard unplanned and potentially destructive words come from your mouth?  My guess is probably more than once.  In our marriage therapy DC practice we often see examples of this in couples counseling.

Why are relationships so emotionally challenging?

One of the many theories that makes sense to relationship therapists, and has much scientific backing is attachment theory.

In a nutshell, the relationships we form as infants and children with our primary caregivers are thought to influence the romantic relationships we form later in life. Our relationships as adults are not predetermined by how we were raised.  Rather, our childhood experiences  leave us with a type of colored lens through which we view close relationships.  We still see what is going on, but the way we process is influenced by a particular perspective.

How can I understand my own reactions to my partner?

You don’t need a degree in psychology or be a couples counseling expert to better understand your own patterns in relationships. With just a bit of self-assessment you’ll understand your own style of relating, and recognize the patterns in how you react in romantic relationships.

There are four basic styles of relating to romantic partners. Each style is associated with a relatively distinct pattern of seeking closeness with a partner.

Being aware of your relationship style and the emotional, psychological, and behavior patterns that accompany it can help you understand the dynamics  of  relationships, particularly when your partner has a different style.  When things get emotionally charged, recognition of the different styles can help moderate your reactions.

Until next time,

Brad Brenner, Ph.D. Psychologist

Dr. Brad Brenner

PS Watch for four upcoming posts on couples counseling. They will detail the 4 different relationship styles. Curious about your own style? Take our free Relationship Style Assessment today.

Couples Counseling FAQ: What’s This Argument Really About?

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Do you and your partner find yourselves frequently locked in heated arguments over the same issues? Finances, household chores or maybe not having sex frequently enough?

You are not alone — in fact, most couples I see in couples counseling have one or two issues that keep coming up from time to time.

Haven’t We Had This Argument Before?

Typically, arguments with a “here we go again” quality indicate that what you and your partner are arguing about is far more important than who did not take out the garbage. Underneath these arguments you and/or your partner are arguing about deep hurt in the relationship such as:

  • How do you feel about me? (Feeling unacknowledged, dismissed, unloved, disrespected)
  • Do you value me in this relationship? (Feelings of worthlessness, not good enough, rejection)
  • Feelings of loneliness, isolation or abandonment.

3 Ideas From Couples Counseling To Bring You Back From The Brink

When you and your partner find yourselves locked in one of these arguments, attempt to withhold your anger or resentment and try to do one of the following:

  1. Stop the argument. Tell your partner “Can we stop here. It feels like we are hurting each other. What is this really about?”
  2. Take a moment to hear hurt in your partner’s anger or defensiveness. If you don’t understand how a comment such as you never take out the garbage can make your partner angry or defensive, ask him/her what happened when you made that comment because he/she seemed hurt.
  3. Take a time-out. If the argument is too heated and both of you are unable to calm down, take some time to de-escalate, but make sure you let the other know that it is important to you to come back and talk later when you are more calm. When you feel like talking, approach your partner with an apology such as, “When I said you never take out the garbage it must have made you feel that I don’t acknowledge all the other things you contribute to our relationship and I’m sorry.” Take time later to really understand and hear your partner.

When each partner in the couple feels heard and understood by the other, your defensiveness and anger will subside and both of you will be in a better place to talk about solutions to the problem that started the disagreement.

Until next time,

 

 

Dr. Keith Clemson

Couples counseling can help you and your partner identify and address sexual desire problems. Our psychologists and therapists at District Psychotherapy Associates in DC, understand these concerns and can offer a safe place for you and your partner to explore and work through these important issues.

How to Deal With Wedding Stress: Part 3 Royal Wedding Week

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Where to have the ceremony? What to wear? Who to invite? What to feed your guests? These are the typical questions that couples ask themselves as they plan for their big wedding day. 

Winding your way through this mountain of questions and decisions can cause even the savviest of brides and grooms to grapple with the strain of wedding stress.

If you’ve been following my Royal Wedding Week series, you’ve already learned about the basics of wedding stress and you know how to recognize the signs and symptoms. Now you’re ready to focus on this question:

How do I deal with wedding stress?

First, remember that wedding stress is that overwhelming sense that you’re failing to deal with all the demands of planning for your big day. So how do you deal with feeling overwhelmed?

General Tips for Dealing with Stress:

  • Eat healthy.
  • Exercise regularly.
  • Get at least 8 hours of sleep.
  • Enjoy relaxing and soothing activities.
  • Talk to a friend or your significant other or family.
  • Write in a journal to organize your thoughts and better understand your emotions.

Specific Ideas for Handling Wedding Stress:

  • Create a timeline, and stick to it best you can.
  • Break things down into small manageable tasks and focus on one at a time.
  • Delegate some of the responsibilities. You don’t have to do it all.
  • Create a manageable budget and stick to it best you can.
  • Utilize technology to reduce costs and stress.
  • Take time out for both of you. No planning allowed!
  • Make reasonable expectations.

To plan for a great wedding day, ask yourself every so often “how do I deal with the stress?” Just asking that question of yourself focuses you on the fact that stress is an inevitable, but manageable, part of planning for your big day.

Until next time,

Gregory Jones, Psy.D. Psychologist

 

 

Dr. Gregory Jones

Watch my CNN Interview on Avoiding Wedding Stress, and read the CNN story too.

Wedding Stress Signs and Symptoms : Part 2 of 3 For Royal Wedding Week

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Like most happy occasions in life, long-anticipated wedding days arrive before you know it. But oftentimes there’s hidden stress in those days and, that too, can sneak up on you. As I discussed in Part 1, preparing for a wedding is full of many stress triggers.

You know you’re in the midst of wedding stress if you’re worried about and feel as though you can’t keep up with the psychological, emotional, and physical demands of getting everything done.

All the details, expectations, drains on your bank account, and desire to look and be perfect on that day take their toll. If you’re preparing for a wedding, do any of these symptoms sound familiar?

  • Feelings of apprehension or dread
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Feeling tense and jumpy
  • Anticipating the worst
  • Irritability
  • Restlessness
  • Watching for signs of danger
  • Feeling like your mind’s gone blank

What about these physical symptoms?

  • Pounding Heart
  • Sweating
  • Stomach upset or dizziness
  • Frequent urination or diarrhea
  • Shortness of breath
  • Tremors and twitches
  • Muscle tension
  • Headaches
  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia

It’s important to recognize these signs and symptoms of wedding stress for what they are and know how to effectively deal with them, so that they don’t get in the way of enjoying the build up to your big day. In Part 3, find effective techniques for coping with stress.

Until next time,

Gregory Jones, Psy.D. Psychologist

 

 

Dr. Gregory Jones

Watch my CNN Interview on Avoiding Wedding Stress, and read the CNN story too.

Wedding Stress 101: Part 1 of 3 For Royal Wedding Week

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Weddings are celebrations of joy, love and commitment. What could be better, right?

In reality, the months, weeks and days leading up to the wedding day often leave brides and grooms feeling worn out, frazzled, and on-edge. Wedding stress is the culprit.

Wedding stress is our imagined or real failure to live up to the mental, emotional, or physical demands of preparing for the big day. Whether a big or small ceremony, getting ready for a wedding and a new life together is an experience that brings about major life changes.

So you might ask, why do people get stressed when preparing for a wedding? Let me count the ways. In no particular order…

  • Managing seemingly hundreds of small details;
  • Relatives;
  • Expectations that run amuck;
  • Money;
  • Social Pressure;
  • Body image and weight loss goals;
  • Lack of support;
  • Need for perfection;
  • A sense that EVERYONE is watching;
  • Poor time management skills;
  • Nagging belief that one small mistake will ruin your wedding.

These factors and more create the perfect conditions for feeling overwhelmed and as though you’re trying to juggle way too many things. In other words, wedding stress is practically inevitable.

If you’re in the midst of preparing for a wedding, you’re in good company. I can guarantee that virtually everyone else who is preparing for their big day is feeling the same mixture of excitement and stress that you are.


Knowing the signs and symptoms of wedding stress is half the battle, and finding effective techniques for coping with stress is the other half.

Watch for upcoming posts on these additional topics, and be sure to share this with the soon-to-be-weds in your life.

Until next time,

Gregory Jones, Psy.D. Psychologist

 

 

Gregory Jones, Psy.D.

PS  Watch my CNN Interview on Avoiding Wedding Stress, and read the CNN story too.

Couples Counseling DC FAQ: Why Won’t My Partner Have Sex With Me?

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Sexual problems, specifically regarding arousal or desire, are frequent hot button issues when people seek couples counseling. The question “why won’t my partner have sex with me?” is complex. However, the answer can likely be found within one of 3 key areas.

1. Physical/Physiological

Decreased testosterone or estrogen, certain medical problems like high blood pressure, or medications such as anti-depressants can impact arousal in both men and women. A consultation with your primary care physician is often the first step to diagnosing and treating or ruling out any of the above problems. It is often a recommendation I make when working with people in couples counseling to rule out physiological causes.

2. Stress

With hectic work schedules, balancing care of children, and life changes, couples often feel overworked and stressed. Increased stress can lead to decreased sleep. It can leave a person feeling exhausted and “too tired” for sex. While it may not be possible to eliminate the stress in our lives completely, sometimes talking it out in couples counseling can help you prioritize, navigate, and cope more effectively.

Feeling less overwhelmed and more in control of the stress in life may help boost your desire for sex.

3.Relationship Problems

Many couples identify sexual problems as the most common complaint they have in their relationship. Whether it is the frequency, variety, or quality of sex, sexual problems that go unaddressed between partners can lead to negative emotional states. Those negative emotions may ultimately kill sexual desire or arousal altogether.

Until next time,

Keith Clemson Couples Counseling

 

 

Dr. Keith Clemson

Couples counseling can help you and your partner identify and address sexual desire problems. Our psychologists and therapists at District Psychotherapy Associates in DC, understand these concerns and can offer a safe place for you and your partner to explore and work through these important issues.